The following article is political satire. Its purpose is to show the breakdown of the Public Dialogue and the American political system. It is a collection of stereotypical examples of how the desire to win is greater than loyalty to country.
The Other Side of the Same Coin
Occasionally I get asked to do projects for people. Recently I was asked by the local Democrat Party to do research into the most effective ways their party can persuade people to embrace the Democrat party.
This was a challenging assignment for several reasons. Whatever document I produced had to meet specific Democrat platform requirements.
I was reminded that I had to focus on the Democrat philosophy as it relates to God, free speech, and strangely, sexual gender assignments and public restrooms. Whatever, that’s what I do, so I looked into their philosophy about God free speech and sex.
The following document was my first submission to the party boss:
Democrat Party Strategic Plan
Invoke the name of the Lamb as though you have documentation that puts you and Jesus on a first name basis. Let it be known you talk all the time and he is so proud that Democrats are carrying on HIS divine plan here on earth. Then paint him as a very friendly, almost hippie like, perpetual forgiveness machine. Show America that Jesus is not mean and he will smile and wink at you as you leave a wake of destruction behind you all week long. His mild suggestion is only that you show up on Sunday and raise your hands to the roof of whatever building or tent you may be in. If that is too much trouble, Jesus will do the “Whenever two or more are gathered”, thing.
You want religion to be a warm and fuzzy blanket that people wrap themselves in when they are cold and vulnerable. Never say mean trigger words like
and never say
Just look at how unsettling those trigger words look in print! Imagine them bouncing around the society. Soon I will show you how to use the devastating PC multi-dimensional citizen enforced mosquito-like annoying intrusions into other people’s worlds. You will be amazed at what you can make inappropriate with my simple to follow 12-page plan. It’s on special this week.
With respect to the Old Testament, find as many contradictions in that ancient book as you possibly can, and sell those contradictions as sufficient reason that the mean [definitely not your Jesus] Old Testament God does not exist. Then in the same breath make it known that the Republicans worship the old testament God exclusively. While you are at this, let it be known that there are priests and pastors who have issues with the Old Testament but completely understand the New Testament and they can translate the words and thoughts of your now very proprietary, Jesus. That should paint those Republican bedwetters into a nice corner:
“Republicans offer nothing more than a bloody trail of hate from an insane God.”
Your new Party theme: The Old Testament is a curious document full of contradictions presided over by a very angry and, according to his own words, jealous God. That is exactly the kind of God those Republicans respect — the mean God. Because they are mean people.
It is absolutely imperative that you define and control allowable speech. You must develop the metaphors for hate speech so that you may build a box around your opponents.
Make this so: When Republicans speak, it is hateful. When Republicans speak, so much of what they say is inappropriate that it would be wise to assume the next thing a Republican says will be inappropriate. Angry speech from angry people because of an angry God. Think:
Jesus talks nice – Why don’t Republicans?
The idea here is to construct and spread variations on this theme:
“Democrats and Jesus like puppies, and I heard a Republican threaten to rub a puppy’s nose in some doo-doo and then that mean Republican definitely said’ “bad dog” more than once, in a very threatening tone of voice. We hope you are as shocked and appalled at the Republicans’ systemic and pervasive brutality to puppies, as we are.”
OK, that’s way too long for a bumper sticker or yard sign or even letterhead, we can clean it up later.
Here’s the important thing about free speech: If you control the narrative you can control the information that matters. In effect, you can determine the truth. Let’s take a second to think about this. It is the soul of your Party’s philosophy.
Political opinions are rooted in some very firm soil made up of moral concerns about right and wrong. This means people’s opinions are not just ideas, they are representations of their character and moral fiber. You are about to sell that Republicans are Old Testament thinkers. It is not likely you will change any Republican minds. What you can do is attack the same conversations the Republicans are concerned with, but offer solutions that are geared more towards self-interest than responsibility.
Most Americans are staggered by responsibilities. The demands of life and our responsibilities to citizenship are a full time job on top of our full time jobs. These responsibilities include, but are not limited to, concerns about
These are the constant hummings in our minds — the background noise that stays with us, bothers us, makes us unsure and uncomfortable. We try to forget that any one of the 7 can take over the rest in an instant and then that annoying buzz can become cannon fire.
These are our plates up in the air. Sadly, we will keep these plates spinning for a lifetime, if we can – which can we afford to let fall?
Imagine a lifetime appearance on the Ed Sullivan show, spinning plates and listening to Coco Gegeo. Honest to God, close de box.
Work to explain that responsibility, that noise, those damn plates, as the imprisonment of the Republican ideology. They cause the noise. The fear, the uncertainty, they cause it all because they do not understand personal freedom. There is your argument for life. They cannot defeat the need to blame.
As for yourselves, become a collection of self-interested individuals because your ideals are primarily self-interest. The more freedoms you, as a political party, offer individuals while at the same time promising them the collective benefits of a government, the more you can let other people’s self-interests strengthen you.
Personal freedoms, to as much excess as possible without throwing this country into a tailspin, is diametrically opposed to everything the Republicans stand for. It’s classic hedonism over Old Testament restraint. You can’t lose. When they say “Law and Order”, you will say,
“Angry people, angry God”.
When they say “Social Justice” or “Personal Responsibility” [they say that a lot, sigh] you will say,
ANGRY PEOPLE, ANGRY GOD. ANGRY PEOPLE, ANGRY GOD.
Do you see where this can go? Do this just right and you can create an army of unknowable monsters who will scare people into becoming your future Democrats.
The S Word
Your course is pretty clear here. You have very few options. Since you are selling unencumbered freedoms, and that restrictions only come from angry people with an angry God, sex must be free and unencumbered.
Since the opposition is currently making inroads into state legislatures and funding political machines to pass further legislation in different states about who can pee where, I would suggest a counter-punch strategy. When the Freedom of Religion Movement is mentioned, remind everyone of the Constitution and recent Liberal Supreme Court Rulings that justify your way of life according to the teachings of Jesus.
To drive the egalitarian wedge even deeper between the teams of you and Jesus against the Republicans, mention everyone’s favorite cousin Ralphie, who is really a good kid, and artistic too, and he dresses so nice, very clean. And of course, never not mention angry people doing the bidding of their very angry, decidedly not egalitarian, God.
Currently you are in the middle of a slippery slope argument that can go either way. You must be careful that your self-interest fest does not degenerate into a pee-for-all. That would be unseemly and hard to sell in high schools, colleges, public restrooms… It’s too much. No pee-for-all’s; work for public expenditures for stalls instead of urinals and doors with locks. Be aware of the icky factor.
This situation could easily get out of control for you. Someone in the Republican Party made a good argument about swinging stuff in front of kids, and you are taking a hit. This is how you get out of that problem:
Sell the “well known fact” that Republicans don’t really have children, they have little goo stepping junior Republicans, who come with little white sheets. Once you get social media to confirm that Republicans do not actually love the things they are charged with instructing, and there is never hugging in a Republican household, you can get to work on selling America on the “fact” that Republicans only say the word “love” to get sex. Not because they mean that, but because their women need to hear something nice to make new Republicans.
Remember to systematically mention how Republicans want babies to be born, but only because that keeps their women quiet. Reinforce the fact that they don’t care if the babies eat or get medical attention, as long as they get born.
We’ve covered a lot, let’s review the main points:
Jesus loves Democrats. He wants you to unleash his people from the chains still held by Republicans and their angry God. Democrats are free and you make other people free by letting them do pretty much what they want. Democrats give people freedom and, [and this is the great part], you make Republicans pay for the things that disgust them most. Taxes are for everyone!
Stop clapping. And stop singing that stupid song! What the hell is a Kumbayah? STOP THAT SINGING, WE HAVE WORK TO DO!
You must continue to work Republicans into a position where, if they complain about your programs for any reason, even legitimate reasons, you can say they are just angry Old White Christian Men. [OWCM]
Say that enough times and you will no longer need to respond to their points, even the good ones. You will have a sound advantage that can be used at every Republican gathering:
OWCM and their angry God / / OWCM and their angry God
Where’s the beef?
“Four legs good – Two legs bad”
“It’s always been those damn Jews, Faggots, and Commies.”
In no time at all the metaphor will be the message and the message will be the truth.